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Al Sharpton Calls For Immediate Resignation of Internet Over Racist Blackout Day
Dateline: Waffle House
After getting online this morning and finding that he couldn’t edit his Wikipedia page back to the way he liked it due to an anti-SOPA protest, today Al Sharpton angrily called for the Internet to step down as our online of choice.
“I believe that, today, the internet has, in, the most callous of ways, taken off it’s facade of a mask of a sham of a trickery, and, revealed, like a hooker that’s found Jesus and slowly taken the Shroud of Turin off him in the most revealing of ways, that racism can come in many forms, and, today, that form is the internet itself,” Rev Sharpton finally got out. He then unfortunately continued, “When I was a child, back in Mississippi, and the minstrels came around to do their funny shows, I was shocked, nay, shocked and appalled, that these black men and woman of the white variety were not, in fact, the actual black men and woman of the colored variety. These tricksters and shams were hoaxes of the most illusional type, the type that pulled the wool over your eyes. Today, as I gently put my toes in the receding wave of the internet, I was shocked, nay, flabbergasted, that the same internet where I get my money and my Jesus from, was covered in the same black face paint the racist children of my mother were covered in.
As the leader of the free black world, barring a veto by Jesse Jackson, I demand, this instant, this moment, this very point in time, for the Internet to resign, and apologize, for this very racist day. As a movement, we have come too far to have websites try to get the “black out” of the internet.
Despite calls to his publicist, who was found hanging in a shady motel on the other side of town wearing fishnets with a sign on the door that simply read: “Come in and call me David,” no one has been able to follow up on this story. Details at 11.
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Completely Legitimate News: Born-Again Christian Gives Life Fully Over To God, Starves To Death →
Dateline: Harrisburg, Arkansas
Today police in the small city of Harrisburg issued an arrest warrant for one “Christian God” for the neglect and starvation diet of a newly born-again Christian. Jeremy Wayne Clark, the aforementioned victim, was only 36 years old and had recently converted from…
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Completely Legitimate News: Al-Qaeda Sends Gift Basket, Thank You Note To Homeland Security Head →
Dateline: Washington, DC
In a touching display of admiration for the actions taken by the Department of Homeland Security, top Al-Qaeda officials all chipped in together to get a gift basket and signed a thank you note to Janet Napolitano.
“We just feel like she’s done so much for us in…
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Completely Legitimate News: President Obama Calls Rick Perry About Texas Fires, Wishes Him "Good Luck With That" →
Dateline: Austin, TX
While wildfires raged across Texas for another consecutive day, in one of the worst years of drought and wildfires ever for the state, President Obama called Governor Rick Perry, campaigning in another, less “on-fire” state, and offered him his best wishes.
“Yes, the…
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Rick Perry Announces That He Will Run As Jesus Christ For President
Rick Perry, doing his Michelle Bachmann impression.
Dateline: Houston, TX
In a confusing move following yesterday’s prayer rally at Reliant Stadium, where he called upon God to “do his frigging job and start fixin[sic] this country,” Rick Perry today announced that he, with Jesus talking through him, would run for President of the United States.
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Completely Legitimate News: Kanye West's New "Bomb Ass Single" Revealed to be Hoax →
Dateline: Kanyeville, Kanyeneticut
In a another shocking announcement late Wednesday evening, after it was revealed that his ex-girlfriend was really just a guy that had lap band surgery and never got liposuction to take away his man-boobs, Kanye West’s handlers have spoken with Completely…
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Completely Legitimate News: Other 99% of Americans Waiting Patiently For Their Turn to be Spoken For →
Dateline: America
With the recently signed “Debt Ceiling” and “We Could Cut Defense Spending to Lower the Amount of Spending but Instead We’ll Just Tax the Middle Class” bills being passed today, a record number of Americans are patiently waiting in line for their local representative to…
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Jerry Jones “State of The Cowboys” Media Address Goes Horribly Wrong, Hundreds of Words and Phrases Mangled
Dateline: Dallas, TX
Following what seemed like a victory for the NFL, with the lock-out over and teams getting back to the normality of the preseason, league officials nationwide are taking a stand against the grammar massacre delivered Tuesday by Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones.
lol, sports
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Completely Legitimate News: Researcher Who Found That Being Aware of Other People Leads to Better Life Killed by Inattentive Truck Driver →
Pictured: Not the accident in question.
Dateline: Springfield, MO
Tragedy struck Springfield earlier today when Scott Wilborne, a Sociology Professor at the nearby Missouri State University, was inadvertently run over by a garbage truck driver. Professor Wilborne was on his way back from…
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